


Lost in Zion

by whiim



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Angst, Body Worship, Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Comfort, Denial of Feelings, Dubious Consent, Eventual Romance, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Forgetting, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internal Conflict, Jealousy, Lost Memories, Pining, Religion, Religious Imagery, Sexual Tension, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love, amensia, domestic abuse, remembering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:00:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24144778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiim/pseuds/whiim
Summary: Slaves are so common in the Legion that they often blur together in the minds of their owners. But it’s hard to forget a face when it’s eyes are two different colours.Colette has been running for all her life, but when she finds herself in Zion with no recollection of who she is, will she choose to finally stop running?
Relationships: Joshua Graham/Original Female Character
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	1. Prologue

I’m running.

I was running for so many years, and then I stopped. Not because I wanted to. But because I had to. 

I’d been running but not getting anywhere. And now I’ve got no choice. 

A small group of us were taken to Hoover Dam to keep the Frumentarii and the Centurions… Happy. And of course, the Legate. 

_ My _ legate. 

He saved me once. Nobody will speak of it. The other slaves and I were forbidden of ever mentioning it. One of the legionaries tried to force himself upon me. I wasn’t thinking, and I fought back. He struck me. It didn’t come as a surprise, it wasn’t an action that was unfamiliar to any of us. But perhaps in the moment I was startled. I cried out, which set off one of the mutts and then the legionnaire started yelling. When the legate left his tent to investigate, I thought that was it. I thought I was going to be put to death. The cross or the arena. 

I would’ve chosen the arena. 

But he didn’t order for my execution. He asked the legionnaire what happened. He was obviously biased. But not obnoxiously far from the truth. I stayed silent. I’d seen a few slaves sent to the cross for speaking out of turn. I wasn’t prepared to die. I had more running to do. I was still running. Just not getting anywhere. Once the legionnaire finished rambling, the Malpais Legate simply looked him dead in the eyes, and asked him;

“Does this slave belong to you?” 

I didn’t. I and the others that went to the dam were solely charged to the higher ups. The legionaries had general slaves to use. 

I liked to think the legate saved me because deep down he had some form of compassion, but it was more likely he’d heard I had some medical training. I know he’d seen me making healing powder for some of the more…  _ roughed up  _ women in the past. Regardless of his reasons, I would’ve died that day, were it not for him. 

The Legate had never lost a battle, never failed a mission, not until today. There were whispers among the slaves that we had lost the Hoover Dam to the NCR. I didn’t believe it until the chaos. Caesar arrived, and some of the legionaries fled. Amongst the chaos some of us got out. I had a young girl with me, but not now. 

My legate is burning and I am running. Caesar will throw him into the same canyon that will be my escape. His death will mean my freedom, and it is yet another debt I will not be able to repay. But neither of us could live forever. Neither of us could run forever. 

I know there are Frumentarii after those of us who escaped. I’m praying to God as I run, as my bare feet are torn to shreds by the unstable rocky ground below. I can feel a repetitive stabbing feeling in my chest, and my body is reminding me of how I haven’t had anything to eat or drink in a while. If the scouts won’t kill me, exhaustion will, or overexertion.

I hopped from town to town for a few months. Rumours are that the legate survived. They call him the burned man. I don’t need an explanation for why. And just as I think I’m ready to stop moving, one of the women tells me that legion scouts have been spotted in the area. I don’t know whether it’s for me, or  _ him _ . But I’m not sticking around to find out. How the great legate still walks is beyond me. The canyons should’ve killed him if the fire didn’t, however the canyons didn’t kill me either. 

As I’m preparing to leave, I’m told that there are stories of the Burned Man seeking vengeance on all those who knew him in the legion. He wants his time as the Malpais Legate to be wiped from existence. That much bloodshed and suffering can never be taken back, the legate made his bed, now he can lie in it. I’m told to head through Zion, NCR caravans often head out that way to trade with New Canaan. The legion can’t get me out there.

So I’m running again. And I’m wondering to myself when I will ever stop. If I will ever stop. These months have been taking their toll on me. I’ve been living on scraps and dirty, irradiated water. Every time I swallow I can feel my throat burn, and little white dots are dancing across my vision. The sky is so clear and bright and the light is all hazy because of the blur on my eyes. A lot of this would be beautiful to me if it wasn’t for the fact it signified I was probably dying.

I need to stop. Or at least slow down. If I’m being honest with myself, it’s unlikely the legion will even bother looking for us. They fired on a few of us when they noticed us fleeing, but it’s been long enough that it would be a waste of resources to follow me. Probably think the canyons have killed me. I’m surprised they haven’t. But I’ve never stopped fighting, and I’m not about to start. 

I’m tired, so tired. There is an old building here. From before. I think I’ll rest here for a while. I think for a moment that I can hear whispers, voices, footsteps. If the legion has caught me there is nothing more I can do. I’ve had a good run, metaphorically and literally. Hah, Colette, even as you are about to be put to death you’re making jokes. The voices get louder. They don’t sound like they’re speaking a language I recognise. It doesn’t even sound like they are speaking the language of Caesar, I could never make sense of that, but one of the slaves had said it was  _ latin. _ A language that died long before the bombs killed the world.

I don’t want my last thoughts to be of the legion. 

I think of the lights of New Vegas. The rivers that run through the East, the ones that are clear and you can paddle in without fear of radiation. I think of home. And then there’s a sharp pain, and I think of nothing. Everything goes black. And I am gone. 


	2. God’s Punishment

My skin burnt as I sat down at the makeshift table, my reflection in the side of a gun disgusted me. I would never get used to my face. I would never get used to the way I still felt the phantom snakelike tongues of hellfire lap across my skin. But I didn’t want to, this was God’s gift, his “reward” for being the scourge of the wasteland. Following the destruction of what remained of New Canaan I had brought the Dead Horses further into Zion. The way they blindly followed me made me shudder, all too similar to the legionaries who had always bent to my every will. Follows-Chalk even looked up to me, as if I were some kind of father figure to him. The company of the young tribal was pleasant, he didn’t revere me the way the others did, he was more relaxed but that meant he often burst in without much reason, like today. 

“Joshua Graham! Waking Cloud is here to see you! She brings  _ big _ news!” “Waking Cloud? Ah. Yes.” Waking Cloud was one of the Sorrows, I had seen her with Daniel a few times, she was well respected amongst members of both tribes, and had been polite the few times I’d met her. “Joshua Graham, the woman of your world, she has awoken! This morning, as the sun came up from behind the canyons, she moved. She breathed! I did not think she would ever wake up!” I’ve no idea what she’s speaking about,  _ woman of my world _ ? It seemed unlikely Daniel would welcome a Gentile, they all had a lot on their plate at the moment. “Waking Cloud I’m afraid I don’t know what you are speaking of, is there a reason you have brought this information to me?” 

A frown danced across Follows-Chalk’s features for a moment, and I narrowed my eyes at him, even with the bandages he must’ve read my expression, as he lowered his gaze to the floor. I returned to reloading and cleaning the guns on my desk. “Daniel said to fetch you, he says it is of ‘up-most’ importance.” I frowned myself this time, before nodding to the tribals, and sliding off the makeshift chair. Why Daniel thought I would find an interest in a Gentile was beyond me, but at least I now knew for certain that he was aware of its existence. “If Daniel requests my presence when dealing with this outsider, then so be it, take me to them.” “Joshua Graham! We do not need to deal with her! She is very nice, she is no outsider anymore!” 

It wouldn’t take long to reach the Narrows, it was early in the day and Waking Cloud had already been down to the Dead Horses camp. Follows-Chalk was trailing behind, and he cleared his throat, he was wanting to join us. “Joshua Graham! I can come with? I would like to meet her.” I nodded, and waved a hand for him to follow. “Hoo! To meet an outsider!” I knew how fascinated he was with the outside, perhaps getting a perspective on how the world was from someone else would slow down the slew of questions I often received. 

As we neared the entrance to the Narrows, I could see Daniel sitting on a rock, many of the Sorrows were out in the open. My mind leapt immediately to the possibilities of what had gone wrong. The possible negative outcomes of a rogue outsider coming into Zion. It could be a legion spy, one of the frumentarii; Vulpes. Even the courier who led the White Legs attack on Canaan. An aggressive outsider waking up in Zion, and killing or injuring some of the Sorrows would explain why Daniel needed me, he never liked having to do God’s dirty work. 

I didn’t either. Killing is a chore, I don’t relish in it, but these things must be done. 

My fingers twitched for my gun as Daniel quickly moved towards me, he shot a look at Waking Cloud, and she stayed back with Follows-Chalk. Daniel motioned for me to walk with him and we moved to the side of the canyon walls, he picked up a pack and took out some rags. I had no idea what he was attempting to show me, and with no words he thrusted them into my hands. I unfurled the rag, and clear as the waters of Zion, a big red ‘X’ was painted across the chest. 

This was the outfit of a legion slave. 

“When the Sorrows and Dead horses found her she had these on her person. God knows why she would’ve kept it, but we both know where they are from, Joshua.” I nodded at him, my skin burnt from the contact of the clothing, it wasn’t a real pain, it was psychological. A brutal reminder of the things I’d done. “Is she hostile?” Daniel shook his head, taking back the clothing and putting it back. “No. The group of Sorrows and Horses found her unconscious on the outskirts of Zion. She isn’t a threat-“ “Daniel, sorry for interrupt, but my children, are they still with her?” 

Waking Cloud’s words startled me, I knew Daniel often thought the best of people, even Gentiles, but to leave children with one. He nodded to Waking Cloud, and before he could open his mouth to speak again, I cut him off. “Daniel! You left it with children!” Daniel furrowed his brow and one of his hands shot up almost defensively. “Joshua, as I was trying to say, she  _ isn’t _ a threat. Her injuries to her head were severe. She’s been unconscious for well over a week now, at one point I thought she was dead, but the Sorrows and I prayed. She remembers  _ nothing _ . She doesn’t know who she is.” 

That was an interesting development. If she were a legion slave, I knew how superstitious they could be, contact with me would shake the woman to her core. But if she had no memory of me? That would change things. “Waking Cloud named her, she’s become one of us, Joshua. One of the tribals. She wears their clothes.” “If she’s now a Sorrow, she can stay with the Sorrows.” 

He shook his head, Waking Cloud and Follows-Chalk were babbling excitedly. I still wasn’t sure why Daniel had called for me. “She is fascinated with the Dead Horses, Joshua, fascinated with you. She’s become close with the Dead Horses staying here that found her. Two-Bears-High-Fiving and the others. You  _ need _ to speak with her. She needs to learn to defend herself if she is to stay in Zion, and you and your Dead Horses are her best chance for that. Besides, I think it would be good for you both. You  _ need _ to come to better terms with the things you  _ did _ , Joshua.” 

I resisted the urge to visibly show my discomfort, fingers twitching by my sides. I could understand where Daniel was coming from to some degree, but mainly my urge to talk to her came from my own sinful curiosity. I paid little attention to the slaves, the few I did interact with… I didn’t treat them well. I sucked in a breath and nodded slowly. “Alright. Take me to her.” Daniel led me into the Narrows, and Follows-Chalk and Waking Cloud jogged to catch up with us. “Hoo! Joshua Graham we are going to meet the outsider!?” “Follows-Chalk! She is one of us! Not outsider anymore!” I almost smiled at the motherly firm tone she took with him, and motioned for them to follow.

I heard her before I saw her. Gentle singing that sounded reminiscent of something that I’d once heard play on the New Vegas radio. I knew that sometimes amnesia patients had thoughts relating to deep rooted memories, which was likely why she was singing a jumble of songs. Some of the tribal children were clapping and Walking Cloud jogged towards them, sweeping her own up in a hug. The outsider stopped moving, her long hair sweeping to reveal a glimpse of a branded bull on her upper back. 

She _ was  _ a slave _. _

She waved with both hands to Waking Cloud, before tilting her head slightly at the sound of us splashing as we walked through the stream. As she turned, those eyes were the first things I saw. In my lifetime I’ve heard people say that eyes are the windows to the soul, but I think her eyes were the windows to mine too. One brown and one green, already marked with warpaint, one of the Dead Horses had obviously taught her that of their culture. A bright smile danced across her face, and she pulled part of her hair back into a low ponytail, wading towards us. 

“Hoi! Daniel, you bring more friends!? Shih zhah neh hoyta!”  _ I am lucky today. _ I was surprised to hear she had picked up the language so quickly. She had the familiar broken twang to her english that the tribals did. I would have to question Daniel on it later. Her gaze moved and settled on me, an unreadable expression crossed her face and she stepped towards me with an outstretched hand before quickly pulling it back with a frown. “You are Joshua Graham!”

Had I triggered some sort of memory in her? It was likely. I remembered her, the things I did. There was no way she could have forgotten without her injuries. Horrible, twisted, sinful, things. Daniel obviously had the same worries and he slowly moved towards her, standing at an angle between us. She could still see me, but if she suddenly snapped, he’d be able to grab her before she got to me. Her face softened into one of surprise and she moved closer to Daniel, her voice low, but still audible. 

“Daniel! You did not tell me you were bringing the great Joshua Graham! Akee! The Dead Horses have told me much of him!” She seemed nervous, I was disappointed in the fact, but I couldn’t blame her. It seemed clear she had no recollection of me though. “Joshua Graham, it is a pleasure to meet you! I feel… bad, you travelled all this way for me.” Daniel cleared his throat and backed off slightly. “Sun struggles with speech production. In the few days she’s been conscious it has been easier for her to pick up the language of the Sorrows.” 

“Ah, yes, I am… Sorry. My english is broken. Like my head, ha!” She pretended to hit herself in the head and pulled a face, before bashfully smiling at me. I realised I hadn’t spoken since entering the cavern, but was ashamed that the only word that could leave my mouth was; “Sun?” Waking Cloud jumped up at this, and moved to stand just behind the redheaded woman, squeezing her shoulders gently. “Yes! Rising Sun! I chose her name as she arose with the Sun! And this hair, by the Father is it not like a sunrise!” 

She was right. Her hair  _ was  _ like a sunrise. God's gift. “I do not rememberance my name, I am grateful for this gift I have been given.” It all began to get too much. That face, with the same eyes I had personally attempted to stamp all fire from, still burning, but with the look of sheer admiration when her eyes settled upon me. Perhaps this was yet another of God’s trials upon me. I  _ am  _ a changed man. But I couldn’t just ignore the man I was with her around, she woke him. The defiance blazing in her eyes was infuriating to a degree. I looked over at Daniel for what to say or do, he simply blinked back at me, and cocked an eyebrow. 

“Well, Rising Sun. It is a pleasure to meet you. Daniel tells me you will be returning to the Dead Horse Camp with Follows-Chalk and I.” Her burning gaze moved off me onto the young man, and I immediately felt less like I was being smothered. “Hoi! Even if you do not remember the outside, I am still excited to meet you!” When she smiled just for him, I felt something stir inside me. Follows-Chalk shrunk under her gaze too, but for an entirely different reason. There were plenty of pretty young women, but her beauty was otherworldly to the tribals. With the face of a radstag, heterochromia and that obnoxiously long hair, she would have been like nothing Chalk had ever seen before. 

“I am excited to meet you too! Follows-Chalk. You like the drawings? They are signs right? You will have to teach me! I just like making the pictures.” Daniel nodded, stretching and turning to leave the canyon. “Yes, Sun here is quite the artist. I’m gonna let the rest of the Sorrows know that it’s all good to come back.” Sun smiled and waved to Daniel, once he was out of earshot she was suddenly standing close enough to me that I could smell the flowers she’d crushed into a makeshift perfume. I knew some of the Sorrows did things like that. With her gaze on me again, I felt like I was suffocating beneath my bandages. 

“Joshua Graham,” She said my name like ‘gram’, like Follows-Chalk and some of the other tribals did. “I have done something wrong?” I frowned and looked down to meet her eyes. “Why would you think that?” She shuffled uncomfortably, dropping her voice again. “It was one of the Dead Horses that struck my head. I heard Daniel speaking with them. They said it was only cause they thought I was dangerous. Daniel says they know I am not now, but when Waking Cloud left today, Daniel had moved most of the Sorrows out.”

Her smile was still there, but sad, her eyebrows pulled together. I wasn’t sure how to make her feel better about Daniel’s fear she would turn violent upon seeing me, and I also didn’t want to risk bringing memories to the surface. It was selfish of me. I know that. But the words came tumbling from my mouth before I could stop them.

“My appearance can be quite shocking, and although the Sorrows are used to it, you are not. Daniel only worried you would be scared of me, this way if you had gotten scared, you wouldn’t be crowded in here with the other Sorrows. You did nothing wrong, Rising Sun.” She blinked up at me a few times, those big doe eyes unyielding, before she perked up, gently reaching out to touch her fingers to the bandages on my forearm. “Because of your coverings?” I shuddered beneath the touch of her skin and my first thought was to strike her. It didn’t hurt, but it had been a while since I felt the touch of another. 

I think the last person was probably her. 

I swallowed and nodded slowly, her face was sad for a moment. “You are still beautiful, Joshua Graham. Coverings or no.” I pulled away from her, and she simply tilted her head, her arm falling slowly to her side. Waking Cloud’s attention was brought away from her children again. “If you are travelling today, I would like to join you, I know it is not far but I would like to say goodbye.” The redhead turned towards the older woman, and clapped her hands together. “You will not miss me Waking Cloud! Ha! I am not the most useful.” “Bah! Rubbish! You are good with the children and you have natural gift for medicine! Maybe when you learn more from the Dead Horses, we can combine our skills. You will learn to be a great midwife, and you will teach me your knowledge!” 

Ah, that was right. She’d been a healer before she was taken by the legion. She’d seen to my wounds on multiple occasions. “Ah, you give me too much credit Waking Cloud, I am just lucky when mixing herbs.” The Sorrows began to funnel back in, parents coming to collect their children, people moving back to their jobs. “It seems your talents will be of great use to us, Rising Sun.” She perked up and turned back to me, a big smile on her face, it met her eyes this time, and I realised I’d never noticed the way the corners of her eyes crinkled. Well in all honesty I’d never seen her smile properly, she’d offered gentle smiles when she’d been cleaning my wounds, but they’d always been forced, manufactured to put me at ease whilst my life was in her hands. 

She did her job well. 

“Well, I hope I am of use to you, Joshua Graham.” The way she said it made me want to get on my knees and pray. She really was my own personal torture for the things I had done. God I always trust your judgement, and I understand your desire to punish me, but if you  _ had _ to send me a slave, why  _ her.  _

I shouldn’t refer to her as a slave anymore. 

But some instinctual part of me still recognised her as one, and the fact she said my name infuriated me. I had to get out, I was starting to feel smothered, so I simply nodded and left the cave. I moved past Daniel on the way out, and he swiftly turned to follow me, not yet speaking. 

Grateful for my ability to keep my composure when I narrowly stopped myself from slamming my hand into the side of the canyon wall, I sucked in a breath and clenched and unclenched my fists. “Joshua?” I turned to face the other man. “Why!? Daniel! Why did you bring me here! Why did you send for me?” He nodded and sat down on a rock, I followed him and did the same, taking deep breaths to keep my cool. It was rare I lost my temper, I was getting better. 

“God brought her here for a reason, Joshua. I’d rather you met her now, than it be a surprise later down the line.” I shook my head, and rested it in my hands. “Of all the slaves in the legion.” “I suspected you knew of her. She could help you come to terms with your actions, Joshua. You can make up for what you did to the tribes with the Dead Horses and Sorrows as much as you like, but the things you and your legionnaires did to these women, Joshua.” I sucked in a breath through my teeth, resisting the urge to tear my bandages off my face. “You can’t take back the things you did, but at least you can make reparations with this one.” 

Oh Daniel. Forever the attempted voice of reason in Zion. He genuinely thought this would be good for me. Maybe it would be wise to make reparations with her. Have Follows-Chalk teach her to defend herself, read her excerpts of the bible. It was hardly a stretch from what I already did for the tribals of Zion. 

Except when they looked at me I didn’t feel myself burning all over again. My own personal hellfire. Contained in a package disguised as Heaven’s light. God have mercy on my soul. The sound of laughter and footsteps to my left got my attention, Daniel’s too, he was the first to react. “Rising Sun, it is good to see you getting along so well with Follows-Chalk.” I turned to look at the pair, Chalk’s face growing a shade of red. Sun’s expression was unreadable. “Yes! He is very funny! And so many stories of Zion! I look forward to being here!” I pushed myself to my feet and dusted myself off. “Yes, well we should probably start moving soon. We are going to collect some food before we head back. Do you know how to catch fish?” 

Her face curled into a look of confusion. I wasn’t sure if it was the head injury, but she clearly didn’t know what fish were. I’d never seen them outside of Zion. “The slimy things in the water?” So she had some grasp on what one was. “Yes, but I’ll take that as a no. Daniel, can we borrow a couple of spears. Catching fish will be our first lesson, Follows-Chalk and I will teach you.” Daniel picked up some throwing spears from the canyon mouth, tossing two to me, I held one out to the woman, and she crept forward and gently took it from me, eyeing it nervously. I watched as Follows-Chalk tied his club to his side, rolling the spear between his hands. “Good. Let’s get going. Sun have you said your goodbyes?” She nodded once, shuffling on her feet.

“Yes, Joshua Graham. I am ready to go.” “Hoo! This is certainly more fun than picking crops. You will like this one!” She grinned back at him, and I said my goodbyes to Daniel before turning to leave. She jogged to catch up to walking by my side and I tried to ignore her presence, until she cleared her throat. “Joshua Graham.” “Yes, Rising Sun?” She shook her head with a smile, gently bumping her elbow into my arm. For the second time I had the urge to strike her again. “ _ You _ can call me just Sun.” “Then you can call me just Joshua.” The words tumbled out before I could stop them, but she looked startled. “Well, I am of honour,  _ Joshua _ . Hoo! Ahk iss,  _ Joshua! _ ” 

She’d called me her friend. Amusing. “Shoah!”  _ Look. _ I turned to see what had caught Follows-Chalk’s attention, and we had reached the deeper part of the stream where fish were more frequent. “Ok. Follows-Chalk, mind demonstrating for Sun here?” I could see her grin out of the corner of my eye, and Follows-Chalk nodded, moving into the water with his spear ready. He missed a few times. But eventually he caught a fish through its middle. Sun took a step back, startled. “It’s alright, Sun. Your turn now.” I gently placed a hand on her back and pushed her forward slightly. She looked back at me with a frown, before wading into the water. 

She spent about a minute just watching them, squealing once when a fish got close to her. “My God they are slimy.” I frowned, folding my arms across her chest, looking at her with an eyebrow raised. She’d have to stop doing that. “Do not take the Lord’s name in vain.” She jerked her head up to look at me, raising her eyebrows sharply. She kept her eyes trained on mine, before looking back down at the water. In one swift motion she slammed the spear into the water, and through the fish. Her eyes drifted up to meet mine, and she held that eye contact as she pulled the fish off the spear, and held it out to me. 

It was a challenge. 

Was she really  _ challenging _ me?

Is this how you want to play this, Sun? Alright. 


	3. Candle Wax

With a pack full of fish and freshly foraged fruits and vegetables we returned to the Dead Horse camp. I felt the atmosphere shift the moment we neared the tribals. She was nervous. Understandable, this was a lot of people at once. I watched as she ever so slightly moved to stand behind Follows-Chalk, and then I realised that the Dead Horses carried weapons, the Sorrows didn’t. Not only that but she had told me it was one of the Dead Horses that hit her. 

A few of them turned to look, and when I didn’t say anything Follows-Chalk chirped up. “Hoi. This is Rising Sun. She will be staying with us.” A few murmurs broke out across the crowd, and a few of the women got up to meet her, many already fascinated with the length of her hair. I nodded and walked off into Angel Cave, she would be more than alright. 

After maybe half an hour, I saw her wander into the cave, before standing before the entrance to where I was. She was silent, and looked down at an invisible line, debating whether she could cross. I ignored her presence until she spoke my name. “Joshua Graham.” When I didn’t respond, she took a few nervous steps closer. Daring. “Joshua. You left me.” I couldn’t ignore her anymore, her voice cracked slightly at the last part, and when I raised my eyes from my work, she was staring at the ground, fiddling with the hem of her skirt. “You were fine with Follows-Chalk and the others.” She moved closer yet again, and I watched as she reached up and placed her fingertips on the rock by my feet, before tilting her head up to look at me. “You still left.” I made eye contact with her for a moment, before my eyes went back down to the gun in my hands. I didn’t respond. And she didn’t leave. I wasn’t sure if she was challenging me again.

“Why are you doing that?” She asked quietly, I watched as she climbed up onto the rocks to kneel in front of my desk, watching my hands closely. “I’m checking the guns are safe for use. I wouldn’t want one of the Dead Horses to fire it, and for it to injure them.” She shuffled on the rocks, trying to get into a more comfortable position on the ground. “Are you going to teach me?” “No. Follows-Chalk will.” 

Her eyebrows flicked upwards and she sat up on her knees, far too close to me yet again. “Why will Follows-Chalk teach me?” She was  _ relentless _ . “If we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.” When she simply stared at me with no words, I sighed, placing the pistol I was cleaning down on the table. “Follows-Chalk knows more than enough to teach you, Sun.” “But you are the war-chief. So you are the best. So you should teach me, if I am to be the best, ya?” When I didn’t immediately respond I saw her lips curl into a grin. Evidently proud of herself. “Lah! So it is agreed, you will teach me. I am look forward to it, Joshua.” 

I watched her as she grinned at me, still shuffling uncomfortably on the floor. When I got up from the chair she frowned and from a glance at her face I could tell she thought she’d pushed a line. She had. To some degree. I picked up a wooden crate from the floor and walked back over to where she was. “Up.” She shot to her feet immediately, eyebrows raised, hands clasped at her chest. She took a few steps back and I slid the box along the floor, gesturing for her to sit, and she did. I returned to my desk, she could now look me in the eyes without craning her neck. 

She leant forward, her arms resting on my desk now, her cheek pressed to one of them. She was lit up by the light of the candle sitting on my desk. Her hair was close to the flame. I didn’t think anything of moving it, but she obviously did, she didn’t move but her eyes quickly moved to watch me. “Joshua Graham?” “Yes?” I lowered my hands back to the table and she turned her head, her chin resting on her forearm. The cave was silent, and for the first time it bothered me. “Since I meet you. I find myself thinking, I already know you. Varoom?”

God, what do you want me to do here? I  _ understand _ this is a test, but what do I say? “Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.” She straightened up and I realised I could smell the flowers on her skin again. I sucked in a breath through my teeth and felt her finger tips come to rest on the top of my hand. It was an innocent act, she was simply feeling. I closed my eyes, if I couldn’t see the situation, I could pretend it wasn’t happening. “And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell.” 

“Is that where you went? For this to happen?” The minute she said it, she tensed up and pressed one hand firmly over her mouth, her eyes wide. My grip on a pistol tightened, and I sucked in another deep breath through gritted teeth. Anywhere, anywhere but here. The wax dripped onto the table.

*

I heard her before I saw her. The sounds of her dusting off her skirts, a gentle sigh, and then the rustling of the tent flap being pushed open. Silence. She’s unsure of whether to speak first. Silence.

“You sent for me, my Legate?” I kept my back to her, sharpening a machete. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her shudder gently at the sound. I turned to look at her, holding the knife in one hand, a finger pressed against the tip of it. I pushed just hard enough for it to break the skin, and watched as a droplet of blood ran down my finger. “I hear you’ve been using supplies to make healing powder for the other slaves.” 

She tensed up, her hands balled the sides of her rags into her palms. “I’d strongly advise you to tell me the truth.” Her eyes were trained on the ground, I saw her swallow, and her shoulders rise and fall. “Yes, my Legate. Am I to be put to the cross?” I gently bumped her chin up with the flat of the knife, watching closely as she kept her eyes trained on the floor. “Have you been making more healing powder, with your own supplies, or have you been stealing?” I knew the answer. 

“With what little I could scavenge, I have been making extra. I know what I find is-“ “Still legion property. As are  _ you _ .” She nodded gently, she knew if she moved too much my blade would pierce her throat. It wasn’t my intention. “Am I to be put to the cross?” The challenge in her voice was clear, whether she meant it or not wasn’t. I swiftly threw the knife to the ground, and wrapped a hand around her throat. Not enough to kill her, and pushed her back against one of the wooden poles holding up the tent. For the first time since she’d entered, her eyes met mine. I will never in my life forget those eyes. One the same cold green of nuclear fallout, the other the same as you’d see on a scared mutt, brown and soft and scared. 

I increased the pressure on her throat, raising an eyebrow as I saw her hands clench in a desperate attempt to not try and get me off her. It’s the body’s natural response to asphyxiation. To try not to. “You challenge me,  _ slave. _ And although you will not be put to the cross, you still need to be punished.” I released her and tossed her to the ground, one of her hands weakly pawed at her neck, and I moved over to the table. I had no worries of her running. She wouldn’t dare. I slid a leather glove onto my hand, and picked up the candle sitting in the centre of the table. Turning back to her and moving close, I could see the flames dancing in her eyes. 

“My Legate, what-“ I hushed her gently, and placed my free hand down on her leg, holding it still. “Be quiet.” I watched as she sucked in a deep breath, she’d worked out what was coming, and I tilted the candle, dripping the wax onto her bare thigh. A strangled cry came out of her and one of her hands shot to cover her mouth, but she didn’t dare take her eyes off my hands.

I moved my free hand from her leg, watching as the colour of her skin changed around the burning hot wax. I pulled her rags enough to expose her stomach, and the wax went there too. I could smell it. The burning. It made me light headed. She was fighting desperately to stay still, and let out a weak dry sob, I looked up at her face and her eyes met mine. A fire was burning in them, and it wasn’t from the flame.

*

Sun let out a whimper in front of me, one of her legs bouncing wildly under the table, her arm shaking in my grasp. My grasp? When had I grabbed her? The sound she made, with her head tossed back, eyes still on me, shook me to my core. I looked down at her wrist, still in my hand, and followed the direction of her hand, where her fingertips were pressed into the ashtray that was collecting the wax, and they were burning. I shot back from the table, letting go of her arm and taking a few steps away from her. She quickly pulled her hand away, and tried to peel the wax from her fingers, letting out another moan in the process. 

I hadn’t realised I’d done that. It wasn’t intentional. “Father, I have sinned against you and am not worthy to be called your son. Be merciful to me, a sinner.” I dropped to my knees. I was starting to feel smothered again. My chest ached, blood roared in my ears. My breaths were becoming more and more ragged. “Father of mercy like the prodigal son, I return to you and say: I have sinned against you and am no longer worthy to be called your son.” I could hear someone talking to me, mumbling. Voices. One? Or more? Their words were not distinguishable. My heart feels like it could burst from my chest.

“Christ Jesus, saviour of the world, I pray with the repentant thief to whom you promised paradise: Lord remember me in your kingdom.” I can feel something on me. The voices are still talking. Crying. I can hear my name. She is calling to me. “Holy Spirit, fountain of love, I call on you with trust: purify my heart, and help me walk as a child of the light.” The weight on me is someone’s arms wrapped around my middle, I let myself be moved. “Father, I have sinned against you, I am not worthy to be called your son.” My heart is slowing, I can feel her hands. They are holding one of mine, her thumb is lightly stroking the side of my hand. “Joshua.” “Be merciful to me. A sinner.” I’ve been laid down on the bed. I can feel the pillow beneath my head. 

“Joshua!” She’s calling me. There are tears in her eyes. One has run down her cheek. Her hands are still on mine. “Joshua. Joshua. Joshua. It is okay. You are okay. Silly Joshua. No worry now.” She’s soothing me. One of her hands is still on mine but the other is now gently stroking my head despite the bandages. I see her wince. She’s in pain. “There now, all is okay. You are safe.” She’s humming, It’s a song from the radio. Must be a deep ingrained memory. Johnny Guitar. If memory serves. I remember hearing her hum it to another slave that had been violently assaulted by one of the legionnaires. 

That slave died in her arms. I wondered in that moment how many had. 

Her breath hitched in her throat, her voice cracked and I could see her arms trembling and she coaxed me down from whatever episode I’d had. She was frightened. Fuck sake, Joshua. Of course she was, you just forced her hand into an ashtray full of scalding hot candle wax. I moved slowly, and pushed her hands off me, before sitting up. “Joshua? Are you all-right?” I cursed under my breath, and she looked startled. “No, Sun. Are  _ you  _ alright? What I just did to you was wrong. Nobody should ever do anything like that to you.” 

I pulled her hands into my own, pulling the injured one close to my face to study it. It wasn’t bad but it would scar. Like the ones along her stomach and legs. I desperately tried to keep my eyes focused on her hand instead of where I knew those other discoloured patches were. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had no chems to offer her for the pain, but I could at least make sure it was clean. I moved to get up from the bed and suddenly her palms were pressed flat against my legs, firm, but not to the point it hurt. 

“Joshua Graham, where are you going?” “Your burn needs tending to.” “And you need to rest. I am healer, remembering?” I sighed and tried to move again. The look on her face was stern. “Alright. Well if you stay here will you at least get the water and let me clean it?” “Lah.” She got up and got a bottle of purified water and a cloth from the cabinet, and returned to sitting on the floor beside me. “You don’t have to sit on the floor.” She shrugged with a half smile, I chose not to press it further as I opened the water bottle. I didn’t need to however, as a few moments later she slowly shifted onto the bed. I motioned with a finger to her to show me, and she outstretched her palm over the side of the bed. 

I tipped a dribble of the water and she immediately cried out, I yanked the bottle away and looked at her. It should not have hurt to that extent, maybe she was weaker than I thought. My confusion must’ve been apparent, as when I made eye contact with her, a grin immediately curled up from the corners of her mouth, and she laughed, gently elbowing me as she had before. “Nah ash ne wit deer,  _ Joshua _ .” I furrowed my brow. “Oh you’re playing with me, are you?” She grinned and nodded, so I just took her hand back, and poured the water over her hand, before gently cleaning it with the cloth. 

I heard her suck in a breath through her teeth. That was the reaction I was expecting. I wasn’t expecting her to just be silent, as I had been, I’d heard the sounds she’d made the first time. 

It never should’ve happened again. 

“You are sorry, ya?” I nodded gently, and gently padded away the excess water. “Then you can teach me to shoot to-morrow.” “I suppose I can. But this isn’t like catching fish. You listen to and do exactly as I say. No backchat, no smart comments.” “Lah, Joshua Graham, but only because you are ahk iss.” I shook my head, and picked up a roll of bandages from besides the bed, and gently wrapped a small amount around her two burnt fingers. “Alright. No picking at it, or taking the bandages off or doing anything to make it worse. You do not want an infection.” “Thank you, Joshua. I will meet you early tomorrow for my lessons, ya? I will leave you to rest.” 

And with a grin and a flick of her hair, she was skipping out of the cave. Joshua, that girl is playing you. What am I supposed to do? Do I come clean? Do I tell her everything? Would that even be beneficial for her, or would it cause more suffering. More pain. Sometimes innocence is what’s best, it’s kept the tribals safe. However, I’ve been arguing this exact point with Daniel. The Sorrows will not survive if they do not learn. Naivety is dangerous in a world like ours. 

It is not a decision I will take lightly. Despite all my attempts to not have control over another human being again, I not only have found myself as the War Chief for the Dead Horses, but yet again I hold the life of a Legion slave in my hands. 


End file.
